Alone
Everyone feels lonely at times, no one should ever feel alone. Is there a difference between being alone and feeling lonely? How important is it to be part of a larger group? Do we always need to be in the middle of things? Why do we feel left out sometimes?
I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about church. He expressed frustration because he had attended this one church for about 8 months, diligently participated in Sunday school and service. But because of his work schedule, he and his family missed church for 6-‐weeks straight. In that span of time, no one from the church called to see why they weren’t around; no one reached out to see how he and his family were doing. Not one phone call, text message, email or social post. On his first day back, a couple from their Sunday school remarked: “Oh, we just thought you had found another church!” At that point, my friend and his wife decided that this was not the church for them. If no one even bothered to check on them for 6 weeks, why should they stay? In other words, why would I care about a group that obviously cares very little about me? This happened at a church, no less! I don’t blame him for leaving. We don’t want to be where we’re not appreciated.
This is the power of loneliness. When you feel lonely, apart from others, you don’t feel valued. We come into this life alone and we leave it alone. It’s what we do in-‐between these two important dates that require the company of others.
Relationships matter. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. This thought runs counter to the message that the world intentionally encourages: ‘do it yourself, look out for number one, be independent, it’s my life -‐ I’ll do what I want’. All of these mantras have temporary value. Taken to the extreme, this egocentric mindset can warp and destroy us. The truth is, no one does life alone. We weren’t meant to travel solo. Family, friends, groups, clubs, teams, partnerships – these aren’t just conveniences for us to enjoy if we want to. These tribes are as necessary to us as food and water. Without others in our life, we can never grow, never learn, never understand the depth of our potential and get a real sense of God’s love.
We ignore the affects of loneliness at our most senior level. It’s one thing to be told that you’re not experienced enough or even talented enough to be part of something. It’s quite another to be escorted away from your dreams and the group you love because you’ve ‘aged-‐out’. Our westernized culture is broken when it comes to the elderly. Very often, our oldest and wisest members are stashed away in some depressing assisted-‐living facility to spend the rest of their days eating oatmeal and playing card games with other residents. Their past contribution is minimized, they are left behind. The dual tragedy is that these elderly citizens are probably the most qualified group to teach us about life. Too often, we simply shove them away – out of sight and out of mind -‐ out of convenience rather than respect. Picture this: in the span of a few short years, our elderly are told they can no longer perform a paying job up to standard. Then they have their drivers license revoked. Finally, they lose the freedom of living independently in their own home. How would that make you feel? Granted, there are times when assisted care facilities serve a noble purpose. Our senior loved-‐ones may truly need 24-‐hour attention from a trained professional. But many times, these decisions are made prematurely, simply to hand off an inconvenience to someone else. If you want to know how this approach is working, walk through a nursing home. These days, assisted living facilities are the poster child for loneliness. No matter how we dress the issue, the message in most of these places is the same: you’re too old now. The irony is, while there may be hundreds of residents, each feels disconnected with the purpose they once had, the freedom they once enjoyed or the loved-‐ones they value most. When a person feels disconnected, ignored and forgotten, they lose hope. That’s the way hope works: it gives us meaning, something to shoot for. The vast majority of these residents skip the well-‐intentioned planned get-‐togethers, opting for a life of relative solitude. They lose their zest for life. When you feel alone, you feel discarded, insignificant and question your worth. The sad truth is, there is so much to learn from our most senior members. It never really occurs to us that, one day, we will reach this stage in life. Maybe we should ask the question: How will it feel to be viewed as old and useless? The incentive to change this model should not be based on our own fear, however. We should treat our elderly better, because they deserve it! We should listen to them because they’ve been there. We should be more like our Asian brothers and sisters – the older a person gets, the more prominent they become. It would be unconscionable for our Eastern neighbors to minimize the impact of a senior family member. Most of the time, the matriarch or patriarch lives with the family until they pass on. Their senior members carry the highest honor in the family.
Before your Great Grandma Best died, I took a camera to my mom’s house (where she was living at the time). I sat with her one afternoon and asked questions about her life, her husband and her experiences during World War 2.
Going in, I had no idea what to expect. She never talked about her younger days, so I was curious. It was amazing. I discovered this rich, colorful history and this incredible character who I had never met before. Her stories were marvelous and painted a much deeper picture of the person I simply knew as ‘Grandma Best’. It was if I had just opened up a book that had sat dormant on a shelf for years. One that contained an amazing story that I couldn’t put down. It was more moving for me to sit back and listen. I sensed a real joy from her as she recalled past events. And guess what? That wasn’t just her history, her story. It was MY history and story as well. And because of that, it is YOUR history and story.
Today, remember, our desire to get away from others, even those closest to us, is simply a temporary need to clear our head. No one wants to feel lonely. When we put others first, consider how they must feel and value them for both their experience and the fact that they love us back, we realize that no one should ever feel alone.
Relationships are a basic need, so keep them growing! Don’t ever forget, you will never be alone. And if you feel lonely and just need some love, then just come home.
Your room will be waiting. Oh, and call your mom. Have a great day! Love, dad
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