Helping you to do-it-yourself
Are parents really crazy? Is this what you have to look forward to when you get older? Possibly. But first, you need to understand a reality: it’s tough being a parent. And I’m not talking about just my generation of moms and dads. Parenting has been a challenge from the beginning of the world. Just like you’ve never been a child, we’ve never been parents before. That being said, parents in my generation seemed to have upped the ante on crazy. Some wear their children’s achievements as if they were badges of honor. I can’t go a day without seeing some car with a bumper sticker pasted on the window that reads: “Proud Parent of an Honor Student at Clark Griswold Elementary”, or some variation of a boast. Some parents sell girl scout cookies at work so that their Brownie can win a prize for top sales. Many parents sit in the stands wearing their son’s jersey and then proceed to verbally abuse that day’s opponent. It goes on and on.
Here’s what you need to know: almost every parent believes that the attention, recognition and help they give their children is warranted. Fathers and mothers tell each other that little Johnny or Susie needs the boost in self-‐ esteem, or that “the world is highly competitive and they need help to win”. It all sounds so innocent and benevolent. Only, it’s not true. Here’s why: support doesn’t mean doing something for kids that they need to do for themselves. Wearing a jersey or paying your entry fee gives for little Johnny’s little league team gives you limited power, not total control. As a former little league coach myself – both soccer and baseball – I saw the craziness up-‐close and personal. I also understand the overpowering emotions felt by parents as they watch their child perform. I can tell you, there are few things more heart wrenching or more satisfying than watching your child on the big stage. The swell of emotions rises up and takes over. Every cell in your body is screaming for your child to succeed. Some parents just can’t control themselves. They become so involved, so rabid, they actually drive their child away. what parents don’t think about is the lasting affect. As humans, we don’t respond well to love that has strings attached. We’re not motivated to seek approval that’s based on someone else’s narrow view of success, offered up to simply make someone else look good. True motivation is generated when we know that our effort, win or lose, counts just as much as the achievement. There is glory in the sacrifice. Parents forget to ask these critical questions: what does their child want? What does success look like to them? How long do they expect to be involved in this present activity? This last question is particularly key. For, while parents dream of long-‐term commitment and subsequent success for their time and money – i.e.: scholarships, big league contracts, Hollywood, Broadway, record deals, etc. – children are more focused on short-‐term benefits: having fun, hanging with friends. Because of this, parents’ praise is usually more gift oriented: “You’re so smart! You’re so talented! You’re a natural!” These compliments are conditional and leave no room for failure. The actual message becomes: You’re not supposed to fail because you’re so smart, talented, gifted, etc. We all respond better to effort oriented praise: “Nice try! Way to go! You’ll get ‘em next time!” These observations are unconditional and leave room for failure and improvement. A parent’s job is to help keep our eyes fixed on the road ahead, not walk the road for us. We won’t always succeed, and that’s ok. We need to know that someone is there to catch us and reassure us when we fall. That’s the real job of a parent: to offer unconditional love.
So today, know that I’m not perfect. I know there have been times when my effort has probably hurt more than helped. (I guess I need that same type of praise for my effort as well!) My focus is on you. Throughout your life, win or lose, I’m your biggest fan. I desperately want you to succeed, but I want you to achieve your dreams by yourself. So if you see other parents “helping” more than I do, please know that I am more focused on your self-‐ reliance than my need to have you win every time. As the saying goes: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. In this do-‐it-‐yourself world, you will win some and lose some. No matter, I’m here if you need me. Have a great day. Love dad
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