At the risk of making you mad
Why do we get so angry sometimes? Is it ever justified?
The good Lord gave us the ability to show our anger and frustration, but why? Are there different types of anger? Should we always hold our tongue? Do cooler heads always prevail?
Most of the time, but not always.
First, you need to check your anger. You need to recognize that, your rage can be influenced by your present state-‐of-‐ mind. Here’s an example: pretend you just earned a great grade on a very hard exam. In fact, you were the only one who aced it. You feel relieved, elated and proud of this accomplishment. Heading out to celebrate with some friends, someone cuts you off in traffic. In your blissful state, how do you react? Chances are you blow it off or express mild frustration, but quickly let any immediate anger dissipate. You’re on top of the world! Why let some driver ruin your mood? The incident is quickly forgotten. Your calm, level-‐headed demeanor is understandable.
Now, pretend you just received a different grade on that same exam. Only this time, you found out that you did very poorly. You put a lot of hours into studying, but it seemed to make little difference. Worse, most people scored very well on this test, so you were the exception. Worse still, you realize that the reason you made such a poor grade was due to several silly errors. You really did know the material, but the teacher scored it in such a way, put such a premium on knowing the details, that you completely flagged it. Wow, you’re pretty pissed about that. Plenty of blame to go around: your oversight, the teacher’s meticulous grading style, etc. Once you gather yourself, you decide to take a drive to clear your head. The last thing you want to do is be around others who are celebrating their good results. Heading out, someone cuts you off in traffic. You’re ready to blow. Who is this idiot?
Why do they give licenses to morons?!! You’re furious! You’re in full-‐tilt road rage. You think about chasing him. You ride your horn. You fantasize about pulling this guy over and screaming at him.
Same incident. Different mindset. Two completely different displays of anger.
When we are calm, confident and in a state of joy, we are less prepared to engage in anger. Subconsciously, we don’t want to “ruin” our mood. We enjoy this state too much.
When we are tired, anxious or stressed out, we are better prepared to express anger. In fact, we might be looking for a way to vent our frustration. The incident that triggers our outburst may only be tiny, but we can blow it way out of proportion depending on our pre-‐anger state. We’ve all had those moments when we react way too strongly to a situation. When we look back later and assess our outburst, , we are left to wonder how we became so unreasonably furious. Why do we fixate on it, long after the trigger incident has passed? “Why was that cashier so rude?!” “Why did that guy cut me off in traffic and then smile?!” “Why did that TSA agent single me out and search my bag at airport security?!”. Sometimes, we have a hard time letting it go. We fume. We hold a grudge.
Now, you know me. Unfortunately, I have had a hair trigger at times. I’ve seen you exhibit the same tendency too, lacking the patience to appropriately assess and react calmly.
Anger is expressed in a number of ways: vocal outbursts, anxiety, physical confrontation, even sarcasm. And, a study by a psychologist, Dr. Deffenbacher revealed that we become angry when we appraise a situation as being unjustifiable, blame-‐worthy or punishable. Our pre-‐anger state, our inherited predisposition and our experience have a lot to do with how we appraise the situation in the first place.
So what can we do to change the way we express anger? First of all, put each situation in perspective. Live in the moment and ask yourself if someone cutting you off in traffic justifies chasing them down? Does that grumpy cashier deserve a good tongue-‐lashing? Assessing a circumstance appropriately, regardless of our own emotional state, is a very valuable skill. Think about it this way: maybe that other driver or that cashier had just received bad news and their mind is preoccupied with something that’s overwhelming. How would it make you feel if you found out, later on, that those who seemingly treated you with impunity were struggling with a tragedy far more important? Put it in perspective. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Remember that you aren’t always the most attentive driver; you get grumpy at times as well. Recognize your pre-‐anger state, stop, breathe and assess.
Finally, realize that some anger is absolutely justified. When the strong prey on the weak, we are called to step in and stop it. If a group of kids were picking on a mentally-‐ challenged peer, that’s not the time to sit back, breathe and assess. You need to take action. Your anger is justified. In Matthew 21:12, Christ went into the temple and drove out the merchants by overturning their tables and disrupting their business. His righteous anger drew a line in the sand. There are just some incidents where our anger and fury are needed to protect the weak or set things right.
So today, recognize that anger is real, it can be damaging, but it can also be justified. The best way to get a handle on fury is to assess the situation, realize our state-‐of-‐mind and deal with things appropriately. Everyone is different. You will need to find your way. But in the end, I’m confident that simply recognizing your tendencies will allow you to react the right way. Singer Bobby McFerrin sung it best: “Don’t worry, be happy!” Have a great day!
Love dad
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